Up To The Surface

All around me are women who seem to want To start a family more than anything else in the world. They are anxious because they have been trying With no luck. They are devastated because they got pregnant, But then they miscarried. They are talking to fertility doctors, they are receiving Treatments from IVF. They are mourning another miscarriage. And another. And then there’s me. Hello from the other side. I never really wanted children. For a fleeting moment here and there, yes, It sounded rosy and romantic to have a baby. But I never poured much energy into getting comfortable With babies or spending time around small kids. I never formulated a plan or timeline for when I should have a baby. In fact, I mounted more and more reasons why it seemed to be a bad idea for me. Changes to my body, lack of sleep, financial stress, responsibility, And the delicate little mind that I didn’t want to fill with my anxieties Were among many. My husb...

When it comes to social media, It is just good common sense To think before you post. If your parents didn’t warn you, Other people might. Maybe your teachers or friends, Or maybe an online article. There are many people who made unfortunate examples Of themselves, and now their stories can be Cautionary red flags waving to remind you Not to post about your overindulgences in alcohol, Your drug experimentations, Your actual whereabouts when you lie to ditch your commitments for the day, Your racial slurs, your fascination with violence, your lewd humor, your nude or semi-nude photos. Luckily for me, I have none of that in my life. So I never leant much thought to my Facebook page. It’s not like I have shameful secrets to hide From my family, my friends, an employer… But I never considered the announcement of a baby. Because it wasn’t something shameful or x-rated, It was a good thing, a life event. If it were up to me, I would have wa...

Eight months. Thirty applications. Four failed interviews. And then one successful one. That’s what it took to get my career back. The application went out to this bank in early February. There was a phone interview, Followed by an interview in the branch with two managers, Followed by another interview in the same branch With someone from higher up. The job offer came from HR in early March. There was a drug test, A fingerprinting, A background check, Additional information needed. I wasn’t offered a start date until about the 20 th of March. The start date, to be fair to the jewelry store where I had been working for a month, Had to be April 2. I got through the entire background check process Without a word said about my credit. But I wasn’t out of the woods yet. There was another hurdle to leap. What do I tell them about the baby? I was given a due date in mid-September. This would be early April that I ...

My transformation from down in the mud to up on the surface, Blossoming in the sun, didn’t stop at a transition from a big-box hell To a jewelry store purgatory. Because that is really what it was… A purgatory. There was a fast-growing sense that it was A holding place. A temporary shelter. A rehab facility set to integrate me back Into the professional world. I hadn’t forgotten my real dream- To return to the banking industry. It was what I knew best, What I had grown accustomed to And become spoiled by. There was just one major set back- My failed credit. Years of debt had piled up And forced my husband and I Into bankruptcy. Banks check the credit of their candidates. The manager at my former job Told me I had little to no chance of Being selected by any bank At this rate. Despite that forewarning, I had applied to nearly thirty banks. Or at least thirty positions in some ten or twelve bank...

Maybe I owe my readers an apology. I left a very crucial part of the story out here. And before I can explain what happens next, I need to back track. My desire to return to some semblance of my old life Was in and of itself, not enough to keep me from giving up On myself or to instigate my fleeing from the chaotic way my life was at the start of the new year. There was an unexpected factor That came to light in the month of January Giving me a new motivation And forming a metaphorical prod to rush me into a better situation. It started with a missed period. My body had always been like clockwork, Ever since that day in December when I was 14. 28 days or less. It was always there. For the first time in my life, it never came. At first I thought it was late because I was stressed. 2017 had been the most difficult year by far. Then, I wondered if my recent underweight status Had caused it to screech to a halt. It was scary to t...