A message to moms who weren't ready to be moms

All around me are women who seem to want

To start a family more than anything else in the world.

They are anxious because they have been trying

With no luck.

They are devastated because they got pregnant,

But then they miscarried.

They are talking to fertility doctors, they are receiving

Treatments from IVF.

They are mourning another miscarriage.

And another.

And then there’s me.

Hello from the other side.

I never really wanted children.

For a fleeting moment here and there, yes,

It sounded rosy and romantic to have a baby.

But I never poured much energy into getting comfortable

With babies or spending time around small kids.

I never formulated a plan or timeline for when I should have a baby.

In fact, I mounted more and more reasons why it seemed

to be a bad idea for me.

Changes to my body, lack of sleep, financial stress, responsibility,

And the delicate little mind that I didn’t want to fill with my anxieties

Were among many.

My husband waffled back and forth from year to year

About having a family,

One year wanting a legacy,

The next, feeling like the world was overpopulated.

I had honestly planned to tiptoe through the fertile years

Of my adulthood and out the other side

Without getting caught by the baby craze.

If I got older (much older) and felt like something was missing,

There was always adoption after all.

And then, one day, I find myself blessed

With the thing that the others are desperately trying for.

But in between careers, in the midst of some marital problems,

And an uncertain future,

It was a blessing I didn’t really want.

Like I said before,

I hoped it was a fluke.

Until I saw it for myself on a monitor screen.

That day and the days after were an emotional storm for me.

I saw a beating heart.

My husband was there with me,

It was a moment that other couples would have drawn

Closer together and celebrated for.

We were both kind of in awe at the little form

With the tiny beating heart,

But the day was surrounded by storm clouds.

(For one, they also discovered that I had

an enlarged ovary that would need attention)

But mostly, the darkness around the moment

Was the fighting my husband and I had been doing

Before and after that appointment.

I hated my temporary job, I wanted my life to get better,

I wanted us to get better,

I was falling apart.

So I saw the beating heart,

And changed quickly from wanting this to be a fluke

To wanting it to be alive.

I wanted it to live, not wind up being a fluke

And not be a victim of the negative things going on

In and around me.

But at the same time, I felt tremendous guilt.

I hated that this little life was forming

During a dark time,

And that it would come into the world

To two parents who’s marriage had been failing

Who both harbored anger and bitterness

And to a mother who didn’t really want to be here

In this place

Having this child.

It didn’t seem fair to the child.

So how do I go from a very dark place,

To a bright, optimistic one

Where a baby is an adventure and a blessing?

It takes time.

It takes prayer.

It takes leaving the job I hated

To go to one that I really wanted.

It takes re-establishing a set schedule and

Getting more exercise and rest.

It takes eating right

Getting acupuncture

But mostly a lot of prayer.

And most importantly of all,

It takes accepting the sitation.

This is how it is.

There is no backtracking to before this

And doing it differently.

There is no escape clause either.

This is what my future will be about.

It can be a blessing if I let it be.

Now it is time to prepare for it.

There were some specific steps I followed

That made me feel more optimistic.

1.    Get right with the husband – It’s an ongoing process, because

the year before, we hurt each other and out marriage was struggling. But it is a worthy investment. He is the other half of the genetics for this little life, and this child needs a father but not just any father- the man you made vows with.  Getting right, however, was more than just apologizing for transgressions. It was hearing each other out and some of those conversations were not easy. In my heart, I vowed never to do the foolish things I had done again. I began trying to look at him like I used to- a beautiful boy who had been damaged by the world and needed love and care. Not my enemy.

2.    Look at this as an opportunity to exercise gifts – I am creative and artistic. I love DIY’s and Pinterest. A baby is nearly a million chances to let your creativity shine, between nurseries and cute ways to announce things.

3.    Look at this as a huge reason to become your best self – No alcohol. No coffee. Stay active and fit. Get rest. Eat right. Soothe symptoms holistically as much as possible. Change my outlook. Change my thinking. Be positive. Get close to God.

4.    Look at this as a perfect opportunity to turn to scripture- Start the baby’s life off right by looking up what God has to say about what makes a good wife and a good mother.

5.    Get acquainted with being okay asking for help – From talking to experienced mothers for advice to asking people at church for prayer.

6.    Seize the opportunity to cut ties with bad things- This is something you should do anyway, but when facing a new chapter in life, it somehow becomes easier. Identify the things that you do not want to bring into your new chapter, and train your mind to acknowledge that they have no place in your life anymore. Stop talking to those bad-influence people. Stop drinking that drink that’s not good for you. Stop impulse-shopping. Stop picking fights with your husband. Just stop.

7.    Become aware, as the pregnancy progresses, that the baby can sense your stress and hear your voice, and let that guide you into handling your negative emotions more gently.

8.    Look at it as an opportunity to be true to yourself- You’re tired. You don’t want to work so many days a week. You need to go to bed earlier. You need to eat when you need to eat. You need to relax. You need to cry. You need a hug. There’s no shame, you’re pregnant. You need to take care of you.

9.    Build a nursery and have fun decorating it.

10.  Look forward to a chance to get to rediscover all the little things in life-  You did all the fun activities in town until you got bored. Now bring a little kid that will shriek with delight over the same things you got bored with. It makes things fun again.

11. Look at this as your legacy- This person will outlive you and become the next generation. What do you want your contribution to that generation to be? It’s a chance to raise someone with all the morals and ideals you want to see others in the new generation have. It’s also a chance to do some things differently that you would change if you could go back to your own childhood.

12. Look at it as a fun experiment- learning what foods baby likes, what toys baby prefers, what hobbies he or she will take to with flying colors and what they learn to love most. You get to introduce them to all those things in a process of elimination.

The first ultrasound was at eight weeks. I was in a dark place and conflicted then.

By twelve weeks, I had gotten mentally prepared to announce it to the world.

The influx of congratulations made for an excellent boost.

At fourteen weeks, I saw the baby again and this time, it really looked like a baby! It waved its hands around and moved a lot. Seeing a form that is recognizable helped confirm that this was my baby and helped me feel more attached.

At seventeen weeks, the baby started being able to poke and kick me.

It became a daily reminder that it was always there with me. I never felt alone.

At eighteen weeks, I saw the baby for an anatomy screening. I was in awe at how perfectly formed the baby’s body was. It actually made me proud of my husband and I. I also found out the gender, which meant I could start calling the baby by a name we picked out.

Also, since I knew the gender, I was able to start envisioning what my child might look like based on photos of family in past years. It’s kind of like envisioning your future spouse or what you yourself will be like when you grow up.

At twenty weeks, which is now, I have my gender reveal party for family and friends. Another huge influx of congratulations and support is a welcomed boost, even though now I’m embracing this little life and looking up.

This will be something I will have to take one day at a time, but I have a good feeling now that this is going to be a positive journey.

So if you’re in my shoes, and you’re struggling

with a pregnancy that you didn’t plan

and you’re scared…

don’t give up.

It is possible to turn the situation around

From a daunting new challenge to a happy new future.