Throw Away The Calendar

Two years sounded right to us, and it wasn't.
But five was.

My mom would probably be proud of this post.


I met my very special guy in June 2009.
Almost right away, there was a special connection.
We knew we wanted to be together,
and since we met at a church in a new chapter in
both of our lives, we were convinced God had willed it.

Well, actually, at that time in our lives, we didn't think too hard about God's will.

We got together a mere 3 days after meeting, and were inseparable ever since.
Well…... almost.

After just a few months together, we were head over heels.
We were in that "honeymoon phase" and we were a bit naive.
We thought we were ready to tackle marriage.
Little did we know, we were not.
There were rough seas ahead, for both of us.
Growing up and finding a real job for me,
PTSD recovery for him.

So we put the idea of getting married on the shelf.
We didn't set a date. We didn't talk about details like dresses and photographers
and guests and all the other things people talk about when they are seriously planning a wedding.
More importantly, we didn't work on pre-marriage enrichment.
We just focused on the immediate issues-
Things that were huge and daunting, like managing life when
there's Post Traumatic Stress to overcome.

Whether or not God willed us, in His divine plan, to be together,
he was willing us to learn hard lessons.
He "let" us go through some very difficult times and some drama.
It made our skin thicker and our hearts stronger…
…So we could deal with the kind of real adulthood where
marriage could be an option for us.

Nearly two years went by.
It was now early 2011.
In February, just four months shy of two years of knowing each other,
we decided that it was time to talk marriage…again.
We looked at rings and shortly afterward,
he gave me one that I had picked out.
We set a date.
We started looking at venues and dresses.
Our logic was that research showed
that a recommended time span for couples
was two years of dating before
"settling down".
Our date was still set fairly far into the future.
October 2012 was to be our time to say "I do".
That was at least 15 months between the wedding date
and the time we discussed it.

Why was the date so far away?
According to a very generic "couple calendar"
derived from research online and from talking to other couples
both Christian and non-Christian,
two years was ideal, even idyllic.
But according to our hearts, minds and spirits,
it wasn't nearly the right time yet.
In our hearts, we knew this,
but following "logic" and a calendar,
we ignored this red flag.
We had overlooked really asking God if it was His will.

My mom would keep saying to me "Throw away the calendar".
I always got annoyed because I didn't want to keep waiting for my future.
I still never really stopped to ask God for His will.

Luckily, God didn't overlook us.
He knew that a marriage begun at that point in our lives
would have been headed for a dramatic careen over a very steep cliff.
He still hadn't healed fully. He was still on medications that altered his thinking
mood and ability to handle stress.
He was still drinking alcohol when it had been proven that it was terrible for him.
I was still immature in my thinking.
I wanted an idyllic wedding, followed by the "American Dream": a cookie-cutter house,
picket fence, golden retriever and 2.5 kids.
I also had little interest in what God wanted for me.
Once again, He "let" us learn a lesson the hard way.
On our own, we argued and fought our way to deciding it was best
to break up for awhile.
The engagement was off.

I thought it was a huge injustice.
A mistake for my love to walk away
a great evil that I was now alone.
My mom kept saying "Throw away the calendar".
Now it wasn't about whether I was rushing into major life decisions,
it was about feeling like a loser for being 24 going on 25 with no fiancee
and no means to settle down and have that "idyllic life".

Then I started utilizing the time alone,
undistracted by someone trying to heal from a condition,
to focus on God and learn what He wanted.
My guy had time to heal, without an insecure
and demanding girlfriend to hold him back.
We both began to reach our personal potential.
We also began to form the potential to be good for each other.

Nearly a year passed without him,
and then he was back at my church again.
We became friends.
Then best friends.
Then we were together, a real relationship
built on a foundation of God and His word,
supported by other Christians.

It was only then that we have been able to make plans
for a real wedding-
one that is only a few months away,
that our parents can support
and that our community can bless.
Most importantly, it is a wedding that God can bless.
And that He is.
Everything is falling into line.
What I thought was impossible, like having my parents
to support me and my decision,
has been made possible.

The wedding will take place at the five year mark.

Of course, if back in 2009, we had said
"at the five year mark, we will officially have learned
everything we need to be mature enough to get married"
how would we have known for sure?
It never would have mattered as long as it was "our timing".
It never would have been long enough.
Ten years wouldn't have been long enough
because we would have been focusing on all the wrong things.
We didn't know back then all the things we would need to learn.
But I'm glad we have learned the lessons now.

I'm also glad I threw away the calendar.

But now she reminds me to do it about other matters.
When or if I will advance in my banking job.
When we buy a house.
Whether or not I should have children.
She reminds me, but in two ways.
Don't rush things…but don't stop God's will and timing either.