Our dynamic is backwards. Here’s why I’m OKAY with that

My parents and my husband Maxwell’s parents

Have several things in common.

For one, they are still married after more than 30 years.

For two, my mom and his mom

Stayed home with the babies.

In my family, there was only me.

In his, there was him, followed by

a little brother and then a little sister.

And for the first few years of Maxwell’s life,

there were three older tween and teen daughters

That his mom lovingly helped raise for his dad.

They came from a previous marriage.

Whether there was one or there were several,

Raising children was our mothers’ job.

Going to the office to make a living was our fathers’ job.

My father had an office at the city electric department

And then later the water department

Before going back to the electric department again

When it encompassed both sides of the utilities.

He worked under someone, but he worked hard

And he worked his way to the top.

Maxwell’s father was his own boss.

He was a salesman and that required the family

To relocate a good bit.

He also worked hard, and worked his way out

of some hefty financial burdens.

Both families were totally different,

And yet that dynamic was the same between them.

Dad went to work, mom stayed home.

But that was the 1980’s and 1990’s.

Fast forward to today.

I have a new baby.

My husband is a military veteran, paid for his troubles

With a monthly salary whether he works or stays home.

So he has been amping up resources

to start his own business.

But he’s still in the planning phase.

And he has to finish his degree.

Like his father, he wants to be his own boss.

I on the other hand take after my father.

I’m okay working for a company, if that company treats me well.

Thankfully, I found one that does.

It is a bank.

But in order to work my way up and be promoted,

I obviously have to report to the office every day.

So guess who stays home with the baby?

I get this all the time.

First it starts with

“So who’s watching the baby then?”

I’m not going to tell a blatant lie.

So I explain that my husband is at home with him.

Some people stop there.

A few even go so far as to say

“Well what a blessing he can work from home then

instead of putting the baby in day care so young”.

But a good percentage of people follow up with

“So when is HE going to go to work so YOU can stay home?”

And to be honest, I really don’t know.

He says hopefully within the next few years...

But maybe not.

Starting a business is tricky.

He may have to go to work for someone first.

Once I try to explain that,

I can feel the silent disapproval.

Or is it some sort of judgment?

“I stayed home with the children, that was the norm”

an older woman my mom’s age would tell me.

“You should make him get that job ASAP”

a few of my peers have said to me.

“What is he doing again?”

Ask a few more people, seemingly prying

For either a reason to judge

(Because he hasn’t launched the business yet)

or for me to give them a good reason not to

(Like if I said “well he’s applying EVERYWHERE

right now, just waiting for an offer”).

So I don’t know what you want me to say.

Do you want me to apologize that I don’t have it set up

“like the good ole’ days”?

Snap my fingers and magically he’s got the perfect job

And I can leave mine?

Has it ever occurred to you that maybe I’m FINE with this?

Maybe for us, in our particular situation, it’s BETTER this way?

Look, I’m going to do you a solid.

I’m going to list the reasons why this is the way it is.

And the next time you ask me,

I’m going to simply give you this link.

And you can read it on your own time, ok?

1)   I like my job. I wasn’t kidding when I said I want to be like my father.

I want to work my way up and retire from this company.

I want to have a bank account full of hard earned money when I’m older

So I can treat myself, my spouse and my child(ren) to many good things including vacations, college and new cars. I want to invest in community, and get paid while doing it. I want to help people other than just myself and my family. I can’t work my way up if I’m not there because I resigned.

2) There’s that little concern in the back of my head. I did say “till death do us part”, so I by no means plan on winding up divorced. But bad things happen to good people sometimes. Like car accidents. Maxwell doesn’t have life insurance. If he was gone suddenly, How would I pay the bills? If I were a stay-at-home mom with no income, I’d have to find somewhere for the baby to go and be thrown headlong back into the workforce whilst feeling very rusty and possibly not having recent enough skills to get a good job.

3)   Between us, he’s actually the more qualified parent. Since he grew up with little siblings and later, he helped a good bit with his younger brother’s baby daughter, he knows all the in’s and out’s. I don’t. Since I wasn’t planning to have children, I never practiced caring for one. I’m still learning but he’s already great at managing him during the night or understanding why he cries.

4) We are living in a two-income situation. The bills are higher than just his salary or mine alone can cover. So even if he DID get a new job, I wouldn’t be able to quit mine.

5)   Contrary to what people seem to think, He is not better off for grabbing the first job that wants to hire him. And this is for a multitude of reasons. For one, many don’t pay a wage that would be better than his benefits. And there’s a chance they could shrink or go away entirely once he takes a job. So he would either be earning the same or less unless he really held out for the right one. But he hasn’t had a garden variety job in a decade, so he most likely wouldn’t qualify for the higher paying ones...until his degree is complete and they can put him through a vocational program to place him in a career in 2020.

6)   Most likely a job’s hours would overlap mine... and require us to put the baby in daycare right away. So now that basic salary that’s the same as his benefits check will all be eaten up by daycare. Doesn’t make so much sense does it? He could just keep staying home and collecting benefits and watching the baby for free.

7)   And working opposite hours would actually make everything harder. He could get a night shift job like bartending or security guard. But what of my need for help with the baby at night, so I can get enough sleep to go to my job? And vice versa...he’d need to sleep during the day while I was at the office. The baby won’t really let him. Also, between us both being out or sleeping, baby wouldn’t get much attention, would he?

So there you have it, folks.

Thank you for your concern for the fact that I’m not living in a 20^th century family format standard. Maybe you’re worried that I’m carrying too much of a load because it looks like I work and he doesn’t. But you remember what your momma said about assuming right? “Ass of You and Me”?

Now that you know all the facts, you’ll know that we are just fine.

In fact, probably a little better off considering our particular skillsets in life.

Our dynamic is backwards, and I’m OK with that.