Footprints in the Sand....OR 2018: A year in Review.

2018 Was all about picking up a million broken pieces from 2017.

And that’s not what 2017 was supposed to be about.

At the beginning of that year, I was charged up with ambition.

I was working in a stable 9-to-5,

but I wasn’t feeling like I had a good future there.

There had been secrets that came to light in 2016

that caused discourse in my marriage.

My husband and I weren’t balancing our time or energy

in a healthy way (it seemed).

We each had habits or were keeping things in our home

That irritated the other.

I didn’t have any friends at the time,

Other than one girl I would talk to online who lived out of town.

I was ready for an overhaul and a re-invention.

That year, I decided to try something called “the Daniel Fast”.

It had been taught to me by a couple from church.

They wanted a baby, more than anything.

So they spent three weeks on a very plain diet

No meat, sugar, dairy, starch or caffeine.

Along with this strict diet came fervent prayer.

They were a couple who prayed together every day,

But during the three weeks, the prayer was more intensive.

Four or five months later, they got pregnant.

I was inspired by their story

And though I was not looking to start a family,

I was looking for change from a very stuck place.

Most likely about as stuck as being dubbed “infertile”.

I remember starting the year off with flying colors.

I was hitting the gym, I was climbing at the rock gym.

I was taking my old-new friend,

Someone I had reconnected with.

I was on the diet.

And on probably only the first or second Saturday of the year,

I attended a different church.

It was a Saturday-night-only church.

And a few people reported it feeling much more spiritual

Than some of the others.

So I gave it a try.

It was a long sermon, full of blessings and signing

And hymns and spiritual mumblings.

Somewhere in the middle, the pastor said

“This year is anointed for something different,

I can feel it.”

He discharged us all with a blessing.

And with a naïve smile upon my face,

I walked out of the chapel and into the night.

Everything colluded into a blur after that.

Life flew by in a million little frames like snippets of

Different films all patched together

Some horror, some drama, some romance

And it all played out so fast,

Fast-forwarding to December.

No one could really tell what they were seeing.

There was a flash of a fight.

A glimpse of another man paying me attention

Who shouldn’t have

A hundred different emotional scenes out of sequence

A cry out where I’m on my knees with my fists in the air

With a view of me from above

Swatches of darkness

Misunderstanding and turmoil

I’m looking up at the neon sign on the corner of the big-box store

That becomes my workplace

More fight scenes.

And finally, the year draws to a close with me looking on

Wondering what has become of my life.

The reel stops at January 2018.

I’m not the church this time.

This time I’m standing in my bathroom,

Looking hard at myself in the mirror.

I look tired, angry and careworn.

What will become of my life?

January 2018 began in the dark.

I was working part-time in retail.

It felt like a prison.

After nearly six years of a 9-to-5, with weekends free,

Being in a place with a chaotic schedule

Always on my feet,

working among some questionable characters,

with uncertain hours

Felt like leaving a cushy middle class

And being thrust head-long into a third-world country.

I couldn’t afford much of anything.

We were on the verge of our bankruptcy.

My husband had taken a medical leave from school and with it

A pay-cut  since he was being paid by the VA to get a degree.

There was still chaos in our home,

But now it felt even more ragged because of the lack of income.

Items that got broken couldn’t be replaced.

His car was a clunker with a permanent check-engine light.

On top of all that, we had nearly broken up

And were still raw from it.

We were a mess in every sense.

Morally.

Financially.

Spiritually.

Literally.

How was I going to come back from it all?

It took a walk of faith

When faith was hard to come by.

Remember that little religious bookmark your mom had?

It was called “Footprints in the sand”.

It told the story of Jesus walking beside someone

Leaving footprints on the beach.

Somewhere along the the line,

There was only one set instead of two.

And it was always when life was the hardest.

So the person asked Jesus:

“Why did you leave me?”

and Jesus replied

“I never left, when there was one set,

I was carrying you.”

You read that and thing “aw how touching.”

But you don’t even know.

Not until that becomes your story.

Miraculously, it was like I made a rebound...

Times 100.

He and I both did.

Together and separately.

It started with the figurative “kick in the ass”:

My positive pregnancy test.

A surprise that was welcomed by that couple

From my church

Who taught me about Daniel fasts

But evoked sheer terror in me.

It was a kick in the ass,

But it made everything take shape from there.

Or maybe I should say

My new-found faith did.

Faith was the only way out of this.

First, I got out of the retail store.

I moved on to another retail store

But that proved to be merely a stepping stone.

It took me from chaotic hours and too much time

Running around when feeling sick and tired now

To a much quieter setting with more stable hours.

From there, I was given a new 9-to-5.

I left one bank in 2017 in hopes

of doing something better at another bank

and it all fell apart.

Now, despite a hidden pregnancy

And a bankruptcy pending,

I was given a miracle:

A new bank job that was better formatted

And paid a higher rate.

Next came the car.

A cherished older car with plenty of life left

Was totaled tragically

Due to someone else’s carelessness.

The only affordable answer

Was to replace it with a clunker.

Now, still in the midst of a bankruptcy,

We thought there was no way out

But to save painstakingly for a few years

And pay cash for another used car.

And then our lawyer gave us someone’s number.

Someone who worked for a dealership.

My husband called him,

And they talked about special financing.

Then I heard nothing for about a month.

Suddenly, out of the blue, the man determined

We needed to act fast based on everything

That was happening.

I went into work that day wondering how

We would figure this out

And came home that night

To my husband telling me that he got us a car.

We didn’t even have to drive the hour

Over the river

To get it.

It was delivered to us at a McDonald’s

Right down the road.

I hate McDonald’s,

But now that one restaurant

Will hold a special place in my heart.

The new Toyota Corolla was ours

When that morning we had no idea.

My husband also had to sort some things out.

He had to get back into school to get paid.

But he couldn’t without clearance

From a counselor

Saying he was of sound enough mind

Since his reason for leaving had been

“Stress related”.

Thanks to my parents,

We were able to afford her for enough sessions

To get him that letter

And get him lined up to go back.

Also thanks to my parents,

When my 13-year-old SUV was knocking on heaven’s door,

They came forward with a solution:

They simply gave us their 6-year-old low-mileage SUV.

They knew we couldn’t afford to finance another car so soon.

And they also knew we needed two to get by.

My baby came into the world healthy

And with an outpouring a support from the community

As well as friends, immediate family

And extended family.

Because of my new job,

I had paid coverage lined up for my time off.

Our bankruptcy played out and discharged

And we began to rebuild credit.

And to top it all off,

I got a promotion right before Christmas.

Normally, when your choices cause your life

To fall apart

It takes years to piece it all back together.

And though I still struggle a fair amount

With anxiety and depression (worsened a bit by postpartum changes)

I count myself incredibly blessed.

I relied upon God to take control of my mess of a life

And he indeed carried me through.

He carried us through.

Myself, my husband and our baby.

2018 the impossible became possible.

2019 will reflect on all that,

as I charge forward with only my relationships

left to heal and build.

I believe if God can deliver me to this point

He can heal those too.