Pregnancy After Traumatic Micro Preemie Birth

In case my birth story in my other blog was too long to read...

 

When I scan social media and the various blogs hosted online,

I see many women’s accounts of losing a baby

And then having what is referred to as a “rainbow baby”-

A pregnancy and birth after loss.

They describe, in detail, the anxiety and emotion 

That goes into the experience.

While I see some accounts of pregnancies 

after a traumatic live micro preemie birth,

I don’t see as many.

That is why I have decided to talk about how that scenario

Affected me when I had baby number four.

 

On May 1, 2022, so early in the morning that my husband

And two sons were not awake yet,

I gave birth to my third son at an inner-city Jacksonville hospital.

It happened so fast that there was not even time

For my husband to get there, even if he had been awake.

The shocking fact was that my third son was not due

Until August 21.

He was 16 weeks early, and only 1 lb, 5 oz.

He was born because one week earlier, my water had ruptured.

It is a complication known as PPROM.

I sat in the hospital on bedrest for several days,

and then my body gave up and went into labor.

After a day and a half of this, 

they were not able to stop it.

And after seeing my tiny, helpless,

 translucent-skinned baby boy

In an incubator with tubes and wires going everywhere,

I was done having babies.

That’s why it was shocking and terrifying to find out,

Only five months later, 

That I was having an unplanned pregnancy.

 

Finding out

When you plan a baby, 

And sometimes when you don’t, but you wanted one,

You get a rush of emotions when there are 

Two little lines on the pregnancy test.

But most of those emotions are happy ones.

When you have just had a traumatic early labor and birth,

And you don’t know yet if your uterus might be broken,

That rush and mix of emotions is mostly fear.

 

First trimester

Sickness and fatigue became prominent by late October.

I pushed through it to give my sons a good Halloween.

I struggled through November,

And there was no ignoring the symptoms.

My ultrasounds showed a tiny fetus growing normally,

With a strong and fast heartbeat. 

I tried not to worry.

My mother-in-law said “this is a new pregnancy and 

Every pregnancy is different”,

Meaning this is a new chance for it to go well.

I reminded her it was still 

“the same jenkity uterus”.

But as the first trimester came to an end in December,

I felt like I was about to enter a long, dark tunnel.

The second trimester was where I was at the most risk

For something to go horribly wrong.

 

I did early genetic testing to make sure there were no 

Obvious syndromes or birth defects 

And this early, ten-week testing told us

We were having a GIRL.

I had three sons. 

I didn’t fully believe it at first.

 

Second Trimester

Enter the darkness,

Where everything could derail by 24 weeks

Or worse.

I was put on a progesterone supplement.

Progesterone is proven to prevent early labor.

My cervix measured long and sturdy.

I could feel baby’s movement regularly now.

There was no immediate reason to fear,

Only possibilities and statistics.

 

I poured myself into our NICU graduate baby.

During the month of December and part 

Of the month of January,

He got sick repeatedly.

Respiratory distress that resulted in abnormal, wheezy breathing.

I took him to the ER,

Waited patiently with him while we watched cartoons on the TV.

He was admitted into the children’s hospital. 

I went home to try to get some sleep.

I went back in the morning, sat with him,

Listened to doctors and test results.

He was discharged, we went home together.

His sicknesses became manageable with steroids and nebulizers.

We didn’t have to go to the ER anymore,

But I had to take him to many pediatrician visits,

Physical therapy, occupational therapy,

Feeding therapy, and follow-ups with several departments.

As our winter cold-snaps and freezes gave way to 

An unseasonably early spring,

And my littlest boy was no longer getting sick repeatedly,

I started taking our three boys to anything and everything

I could think of,

Despite fatigue and aches and queasy feelings.

We went to a carnival

(my husband took the two older ones on the rides)

We went to playdates with the moms group at church.

We went to plant and garden festivals,

Local food festivals,

Parks, splash pads.

We had our in-laws in town.

I stayed busy to try and forget about my fear.

 

Traumatic birth history resulted in

Early and frantic nesting instincts.

I was only half-way through the pregnancy,

When suddenly I felt like I needed to put the 

“pedal to the metal” on getting a minivan.

I had never wanted a minivan.

But our standard sized SUV was not suitable

For four car seats.

My husband and I always talked about “someday”

Getting a minivan, 

“when we could save up”

But now I kicked into high-gear making all the calls

To see how we could be special-financed into one.

I don’t know what caused this urgency,

If baby had been born too soon,

She would have done months in the NICU like her brother.

When I was 22 weeks pregnant,

I felt like I urgently and ceremoniously needed 

To make a generous offering to her

Of her own space to sleep.

We lived in a two-bedroom apartment.

I didn’t want her to share a room with three boys.

I removed everything from a closet in our room

That was packed to the brim until that day.

I cleaned the floor in there.

I ordered a small white crib,

And shopped discount stores for storage on the shelves

And decorations.

I made her a tiny nursery in a little closet.

Once again, if I had a baby at 24 weeks,

She would not come home to sleep in there

Until months later.

But making that space gave me peace.

I pulled out pumping equipment and cleaned it.

I ordered bottles.

I went to secondhand baby stores and bought clothes.

I asked friends who offered gifts

For big hair bows and pink blankets.

I collected a fairly new car seat

from a Facebook group for free items.

I was ready for a baby girl,

And it wasn’t even my third trimester yet.

 

I waited until 24 weeks to make my public social media announcement.

 

Third Trimester

The light at the end of the tunnel.

Cautious optimism.

I was now 28 weeks,

And a baby born at 28 weeks has a much better chance

Of not only survival but a normal life

Than a baby born at 24.

The high intervention clinic stopped seeing me after 24 weeks.

I was now back to my regular OBGYN.

Baby’s kicks were strong and easy to detect,

So I knew she was still there.

I started taking a belly pic weekly,

Either from the side or the top looking down.

I celebrated each week that I had one of these

To post because I had not gone into early labor.

28 weeks became 30 and then 32 weeks.

I was in constant hip and back pain,

But I tried to ignore it as much as I could

Because I was still just grateful not to have 

Another NICU baby.

Soon I was 34 and then 36 weeks.

My second baby had been born at 36 weeks.

I knew this was a possibility,

Especially since that was when I was told to stop

Using the progesterone.

But that week rolled by with no contractions,

No back labor,

No broken water.

I was 37 weeks and that was full term.

I was May.

I was OK with having a baby in May.

May 1 we celebrated my NICU baby’s first birthday.

He couldn’t even walk or crawl because of delays.

He still can’t yet.

I gave the baby my blessing to come if she wanted.

I was, after all, in increasing pain from her weight.

She measured “big” according to the OBGYN.

 

At 38 weeks,

The OBGYN confirmed I would be getting induced at 39 weeks.

All of this felt like I was living in a dream

Or a fantasy of some sort.

Like I had woken up from the nightmare of having

A baby come out of me when he was 1 lb

And had drifted into a new dream where things went 

The way they are supposed to.

I wasn’t so afraid,

But there were still complications that even full-term babies 

Could face.

 

Birth

 

Placental abruption.

Emergency C-Section.

Hemorrhages.

Breech babies.

Medical negligence.

Rare, deadly cases like amniotic embolism.

So much can go wrong.

I did not face any of this.

 

Induction day came and went in just 10 hours,

And she was laying on my chest, sticky with vernix, whimpering softly.

Confidence in my uterus restored.

Healing granted.

I took her home.