Second Chances

Second Chances

Sometimes, people have a relationship and it falls apart.

It’s not always certain, when getting to know a new romantic interest, if that connection and love interest will last a lifetime or wind up reaching an impasse. This is why we have a trial period with those whom we have a connection. Some call it dating. Some call it courting. Some marry their best friend. Usually people know and spend time with each other for anywhere from six months to several years before officially tying the knot. Hopefully they take this time seriously to learn each other. Some do not.

Many relationships result in a marriage, but many end with the two people going separate ways. Often, once people end their romance, they move on to start new ones with someone else. The reasons they choose not to stay with the last person may vary. Maybe their futures didn’t mesh well and they would be physically going separate ways because of careers. Maybe they weren’t equally yoked in their faith and it caused a rift.  Sometimes, a person cheats. Sometimes, one person gets involved with troublesome people and situations and it causes drama for the other person. For any number of reasons, it was best to let go and move on.  After all, some things will never change. “Once a cheater, always a cheater”, for instance.

Sometimes, a breakup can be a wakeup call. If the two were truly in love and they just weren’t in the right place emotionally or maturity-wise to be together, a split can cause them to think about their actions and how they were hurting the one they loved.

There are cases where the differences between two people cannot be helped and for them to change to suit the other person would be a type of façade. But there are other cases when a person’s heart is beautiful and their intentions are pure and their faith can be strengthened… if they simply stop doing things that they are voluntarily doing, such as drinking or having certain attitudes.  And in those instances, if they make those positive changes on their own accord, they can once again be fit for the love relationship they had.

This is when they may deserve a second chance.

Here is the key: They have to change for themselves. On their own accord. Because it is the right thing to do.

Instead of quoting statistics, making up examples and trying to explain this like it is a scientific principle, I want to give you a story from my own life.

There is a man my age who is my best friend, and also my love.

Our story hasn’t been the typical format of

“Boy meets girl, boy and girl fall in love, happily ever after.”

Instead, it has been a long and often bumpy road.

We have known each other for about four and a half years,

We have loved each other equally as long,

But we haven’t had smooth sailing.

When I was 21 and he was 22, in the summer of 2009, we met at my church. I was a new college graduate searching for a career and also for myself. He was a recent honorably discharged military veteran diagnosed with 70% Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

We spent a summer of young love before reality kicked in.

PTSD is an ugly thing, and the medications for it and their side effects can be equally as ugly. Though I didn’t have the condition, I wasn’t necessarily as stable as I could have been either. A slew of bad decisions before meeting him had left me emotionally damaged and my faith was nearly nonexistent. Still, I didn’t ever leave his side.

There were several occasions that I really should have.

His instability combined with his medicated state made him numb at times. Numb enough to swing from being happily in love with me to wanting to run away. There were about two and a half shaky years of up’s and down’s, soul searches and lessons learned the hard way.

In late fall of 2011, we broke up.

This breakup was initiated by him, but ultimately it was mutual. I was tired from trying to work at a relationship that was at a sort of impasse because of a combination of growing up I needed to do and getting healthy that he hadn’t done.  Still, I went through throes of feeling let down and betrayed. I went through a dark time of more bad decisions until finally I was ready to make changes for myself. At this point, it had been established that the end of our relationship was final. Someday, we might be able to be platonic friends, but we would eventually move on to other people. I tried to do some of that, and several men in the community would have gladly received me, but in the end I didn’t feel like it was right. I decided in the spring of 2012 that “single” was the way to be. There was even a time when I would have gladly embraced it being very, very long term. I turned from drowning my sorrows or trying to escape them by meeting a new romantic interest to turning to God. I surrounded myself with church, friends from church, Christian inspired reading and banished all the negative influences.

I did it because I was tired of hurting. I was not even in contact with my ex boyfriend at that point.

Ten miles away, in his parents’ home, where he had moved back to so he could get better with their help, my ex also spent a few months struggling before starting to make improvements.  That spring, he substituted his usual depressive overindulgence in alcohol for martial arts. He joined a dojo and started working out as much as he could. He started doing so well that by early summer, as I was finding my faith, he was ready to shed his meds. He replaced them with vitamins and healthy eating. Within just a few months, he was more even-keeled and rational. The medication had actually caused more problems than it had helped.

By mid summer, over eight months after the split, he began to wonder where I was and how I was doing. He reached out to me a few times, and finally I reached out to him. Eventually, on his own accord, he began attending church too. By the one-year mark of our break up, we were having pleasant conversations at church.

After the new year (2013), we began to get closer. It wasn’t forced, it happened naturally. Both of us had stopped doing destructive things with our lives and we were actually able to appreciate each other on a whole new level. God takes 100% credit for this. When two people have an interest in common, it makes for something to bond over. When that interest is faith in God, it opens up a whole beautiful new world. We kept growing closer, mutually deciding that what we were was “best friends”, but really it was more.

From the early phases of the relationship, we loved each other. It wasn’t just a giddy feeling that came with having a good time with someone attractive. It was a true bond and care for the other person. I always wanted to stay close to him and watch him grow and heal. He felt the same about me, though it was a struggle at times. The love must have been true and real because it came to light again after our life changes and reuniting.

Now we consider ourselves to be in a committed relationship. Though it has been difficult for our families to understand at times, we clearly see a future. As we go forward, more and more friends have begun to pray for us and back us up. I feel like this is only possible because we made those positive growths and changes. Had we stayed the way we were in the beginning, this might not be possible. It could easily be foreseen that those closest to us would advice both of us to remain apart and move on. At first, some did. We followed what we felt God was calling us to.

It has only been since we pursued God together that this brand new start has been possible.