The mental health day, Part 2

The mental health day, Part 2

As I was saying earlier,

God was using an inconvenient situation to teach me something.

Through the baby’s “sickness” I was given an opportunity

To pause from my normal routine

And take a day for both of us to slow down.

And for me to really think.

But why was I so eager to think about the future

Specifically, about the permanent home

I don’t have yet

But can still daydream about?

Up until now, I haven’t really allowed myself

To think about that at all.

Sure, I do a good bit of complaining that I’d like

A bigger place to live than the two bedroom, one bathroom

Condo that I rent now

But I haven’t poured much energy into conjuring up

This other bigger, better, more permanent living space

In all of its glory

In my mind’s eye.

So why did I start this past week

on REALLY imagining this thing?

Because of a guest-speaker who came to church

In January 2018.

You read that correctly.

I am sitting here in October 2019

Making a resolution to daydream about and trust God for

A new house

Because of someone who told a story in January 2018.

Her name is Mia Fieldes.

Or at least it was, until she got married.

Mia was 34 and still single when she really

Laid heavy into her faith and trust in God

that a husband could actually happen.

Not just any husband, but the one God had for her.

“Bespoken” She called it.

She took 35 minutes talking about the journey

Through emotional up’s and down’s as more time would pass

And she didn’t see a clear answer.

She had so much hope and faith that she bought cologne

And jewelry for this man whom she’d never met.

And ultimately, God saw her faith and was faithful to her

Giving her the husband she dreamed of.

At the end of the story, she said to the audience

That they should also have this type of faith and trust.

And it didn’t have to be just for a spouse.

It could be for a baby or a new friend or ANYTHING.

I logged it away in my brain and didn’t think about it much

Through the year because  for one, I was already married

And newly pregnant at the time.

I was running around getting hired at a better job.

Trying to work with my husband to repair finances.

Getting a new car.

Getting ready for a baby that I didn’t ask for.

And also not willing to unlock those vulnerable places in my heart

That had been burnt more than once.

Finally, after spending most of 2019 listening to

The audiobook version of some of the best

Christian lifestyle writing out there

(1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp, Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge,

Kisses from Katie by Katie Davis, and many more)

I stumbled upon the podcasts and youtube videos for

Colonial Church,

Where my husband and I were recently going again

After returning to my old church for awhile,

And I decided I was ready to re-examine that story.

 As it concluded,

While I was listening to it in the car

On my way to work

The day before the baby had to go home early,

It clicked.

Like a light came on in my brain but also my heart.

It’s the house.

The house is my hopefully “bespoken promise”.

The house is what I desire most.

I am willing to move to another rented space

That’s bigger than the one I have now,

But at 32 years old, I have a baby and hopes for a second one.

What I really desire is a permanent home.

It doesn’t matter to me if that’s a huge sprawling structure

On a large piece of land,

A little fixer-upper in an older neighborhood

A townhouse

A cottage

A condo

Or a house that doesn’t exist yet because

It’s currently an empty lot waiting for someone to say “go”.

Once mine and my husband’s names are on the mortgage

And I’ve invited God into this place

It’s home.

I never waited for God in the other crucial parts of my life

When I was younger.

I didn’t invite him to take complete control of my college degree

And my future career

So I feel like he blessed me to have my bank jobs

But I never amounted to what I could have

In the realms of career, and using my gifts

If my eyes had stayed focused on Him.

I certainly didn’t wait for Him in the area of love and relationships.

I dated men whom I thought were fun or special

But they all let me down and hurt me.

Then, I met my husband.

A PTSD-wracked military Veteran.

I believe God had Him for me,

But that relationship was strained by my own

Failure to really seek Him in it.

God sent him into my life,

But I feel like things could have gone more smoothly

More ... holy... if I had been more patient

More faithful to God.

It’s not too late to start now.

But there’s already ten years behind us

Where we struggled in faith off and on.

Why let the house become another one of those scenarios?

I could run out there and grab the first one I see

Find some loophole to get a loan that I’m not really qualified for

And try to make it work,

No matter how many repairs it needs

Or how many issues the neighborhood has

Or what school my son will have to go to in a few years.

I can ask God to bless it.

But I know if I sit back and ask Him to show me the house

Instead of rushing into something

....Things may turn out so much differently.

Possibly better.

While I’m not going to copy Mia and go so far as to buy

“gifts” for a house I don’t know yet

(I guess in this case it would be like if I bought the window treatments

not even knowing what type of windows it will have, 

but having faith it will be the right kind for the windows)

I will go so far as to embrace this in my own little ways.

A Pinterest board,

A collective of scribbled notes about what a house needs.

Sketches of layouts, of how I wish it would look.

Zillow dates with my husband.

Quality conversations with realtors.

My permanent home is out there somewhere.

If it’s not already standing tall in its brick and mortar form,

It’s a concept in some home designer’s head,

Just waiting to be set free by a nice family who takes out

A construction loan.

Thanks to Mia, I’m willing to daydream about it now.

And look for the signs.

The “real estate for sale” signs.

So that is how I spent the bulk of my "mental health day".
Not just daydreaming, daydreaming with purpose.
Allowing my heart to embrace the fact not that 
I WANT a house, but that I WILL have one
a real family home.
It's within reach.
But it's all in God's hands.