To Work Or Not To Work?

 After my first child was born, 

I was more than happy to return to work.

Circumstances were quite different then.

For one, my marriage had been rocky since the year before.

Space was good for us.

Also, I had rather intense post partum depression 

And rages at times.

Getting out of our tiny condo and into my quiet office

Was good for me.

At the time, I had been the one working

And my husband was staying home.

He had to take some time for his mental health.

He was preparing to return to school 

And get his accounting degree.

So when my very short (seven week) 

maternity leave was over, 

I didn’t feel upset at all about leaving our son

in the hands of my very capable husband at home.

he loved children. He wanted them very much.

I was the one who had not planned to have any

And who had been totally surprised,

Even blind-sided,

by the unexpected pregnancy that year.

This didn’t make my son any less valid.

He was small and pudgy and adorable.

I often ended up bringing him into my bed at night.

I loved him very much, but I felt so many mixed emotions

about my whole life at the time.

 

Nearly three years later,

I have just taken my second maternity leave

because I gave birth to our second son.

Circumstances are totally different this time.

We planned this baby.

Our marriage was in much better shape.

I had changed some.

While the first baby bonded fiercely with his dad

And not as much with me,

This baby bonded quickly to me.

He was born a month early.

He came very suddenly and was small,

much smaller than his older brother.

I immediately felt an enormous sense 

of needing to keep him close to me,

As if he was more fragile.

I didn’t have much post partum depression,

If any.

But I did feel sad and scared about one major thing:

Handing the baby over to a daycare.

This time, my husband had a job.

I still had my job.

I wouldn’t get to go back to work leaving him

in his dad’s loving hands, like last time.

This baby would get dropped off at a facility

With strange women I didn’t know.

I couldn’t deal with that thought for some reason,

Even though our older son had been going to daycare.

I tried touring the facility and meeting them first-hand.

I only felt a little better. 

I wrestled with all sorts of fears-

What if someone dropped him?

What if he got injured while I was away at work?

I wanted to keep him in my arms forever.

 

Not wanting to leave my baby was in and of itself

Not enough of a reason to stop working,

Stop having an income.

But in the first week of June, 

My husband looked at finances.

I always knew that paying for childcare 

for two very young children 

Was going to cost most of my paycheck,

But up until the baby was born, 

I had argued that we still needed to keep my income

So it would build our credit.

Now he realized the two childcares would actually cost 

ALL of my paycheck.

In fact, if I had to hire a sitter some of the time

To bring my older son home when he wasn’t well

Or help me pick the children up on time ...

It would cost MORE than my paycheck.

It was actually more cost-effective for me to NOT work.

Now that my husband had health benefits he could buy

For all of us,

There was not much point

To me driving 30 miles each way every day

only to pay for someone else to raise my kids.

So I put in my notice.

 

I will not have to return to work after the twelve weeks is over.

 

We were now worlds away from the chapter of my life

Where I was newly pregnant

But had recently lost my first bank job

My husband was trying to cope with his mental health

He had lost income

And I was being told that I HAD to get a job.

I HAD to go and find another bank job 

With full time pay and benefits.

whether I liked working or not.

I’ve held on to some anger from that time in my life.

Back then, I hated feeling like making sure 

We paid our bills fell on me.

I felt like if I succumbed to my 

mental exhaustion at the time,

We would wind up on the street.

I never imagined that three years later,

I would be getting told by my now-employed husband

That we were better off if I DIDN’T work.

 

The circumstances still feel so strange to me.

I always thought that maybe someday 

We would get to a place where I could CHOOSE not to work.

But it would be fully my choice.

It also seemed like I wouldn’t come to that place

until my children were in middle school.

But I was actually thrust from the working world

Into the world of the stay-at-home moms

With much the same force as I was thrust

Into the working world in the first place.

At least I had the excuse that it was not cost-effective,

Instead of just saying 

“I’m not going to work because I don’t feel like it”.

And in these Covid times,

When so many people are hiding away in their houses

Living off of unemployment

Instead of filling all of the empty positions

That no employer seems to be able to fill,

Having a legitimate reason to not go back to work

Is crucial.

 

To be continued ...