Two Sides Of The Coin

 There are two sides to my new assignment as 

Stay-at-home mom.

 

On one side of the coin, I am full of a joyous feeling.

It may be a rather sad truth,

But after years of experiencing the plethora of 

Disappointments and frustrations

That come with adulthood in a wrecked economy,

when you suffer from depression and 

don’t know what your true calling is,

That appearance of passion...

...of unbridled joy and enthusiasm about something,

anything at all...

is a rarity.

Most of the time, you just accept things.

You feel fine about them

But you don’t feel like the sky is the limit anymore

Like you did as a teenager.

 

Getting a good bank job and going to work

Made me feel relief and some hope for the future

But after awhile, I fell into routine.

Routine is good. 

But overall, life felt more like it was powered

By a sense of obligation.

Being freed up from my 9-to-5 felt like life

was switching from obligation

to opportunity.

This probably sounds a bit odd for me to feel that way

When I’ve gone from a career to staying home

Instead of the other way around.

 

Without a desk to be chained to,

The world lay at my feet like a red carpet

Unrolled for a celebrity.

But, without an income, it wouldn’t be a lavish world.

It wouldn’t hold much luxury nor much frivolity.

In fact, frugality would have to be a standard here.

Resort stays, shopping sprees, fine dining 

And even lattes would not be waiting for me

In this new world I had stepped into

Instead, I would need to use some of my freed up time

To plan carefully budgeted grocery lists 

That followed the weekly sales ad.

I would more than likely get a home-cooked meal

Or a budget dinner at a family restaurant

For which we had a coupon

as my date-night.

I would wear the clothes that were already in my closet

for many seasons yet to come.

I would brew coffee in a machine on my counter.

“Second-hand” and “free” would always be key here.

But in place of treats and charge cards

Would be something much more valuable:

My freedom.

 

Some seasons of my life, I was content to work.

At times, I even adopted the go-getter spirit 

And tried for a promotion or a big achievement.

Other seasons, I felt like working was

Keeping me in some sort of occupational purgatory.

During those times, 

I would daydream about what I could do with my time

If I was “free”.

 

I once said that if I was able to stay at home,

I would start a charity

Or maybe play a major leadership role in one.

I would help people.

Not in the way that you help someone 

sort out their bank account

as the representative of that bank

but in ways that would have a more meaningful impact.

I could bring meals to new mothers,

Teach people life skills,

Join powerful prayer circles.

I could do those things around my job,

But I could do them more often and with more gusto

If I didn’t have to be somewhere Monday through Friday.

 

I have also said that I would explore my own talents.

I would take time out of the week to do art projects.

I would master cooking certain meals.

I would learn yoga or kayaking or stand up paddle boarding 

or all of the above.

 

Once I had children,

I had daydreams of the possibilities for them too.

I would take them on adventures... zoos, museums, beaches, parks...

And we could go in the 

middle of the afternoon on a Wednesday

because I would not be at the office.

 

I always promised myself that

Anytime someone called me up with a need 

Or an invitation, I would be there.

Now I would get to test my own word... 

Would I be true to my promises to myself?

 

But on the other side of the coin, 

opposite to the new-found joy and 

endless possibilities life seemed to give me,

Was the part where such a drastic shift 

was almost damaging.

 

For the better part of the last decade, 

I was required to get up early,

Pull myself together regardless of mood or exhaustion,

And report to a workplace.

There, I would face customers.

I was expected to help them whether I wanted to or not.

For eight hours a day, 

I was doing my part in society. 

I was earning the bread for my table.

I had the routine down pat and learned to feel that

I was only OKAY if I was sticking to it.

That meant if I had to take a day off,

Be it for illness or for personal reasons,

I always had this nagging feeling 

in the back of my head

that I was doing something wrong.

That nagging feeling stayed with me,

And kept me from being able to truly relax.

When I wasn’t at work, 

I was thinking about what needed to get done

Around my home 

Because I only had limited time to tackle it

Before I had to get back to work.

Because this routine was 

so deeply ingrained in my thinking,

It was almost literally impossible for me 

to break out of it.

Since I got up early every morning,

Packed up what I needed for the day

And went out to my place or work

Or to the stores to pick up what I needed 

For my work week,

When I had a day off

I couldn’t just sit in the house.

It was physically and mentally impossible

For me to sit on my couch with coffee

And watch TV for hours.

I always felt like I needed to be going somewhere.

 

Suddenly my lifestyle shifted so drastically

So that I was no longer obligated 

to be somewhere specific every day.

But psychologically I couldn’t just shift with it

Overnight like it was nothing.

It didn’t matter how much I desired the new way of living

I have still been waking up with anxiety- 

that feeling of urgency 

that I need to get up and get going.

 

For the past few weeks, 

My older son has still been in daycare.

This makes me responsible for getting up at six a.m.

Getting dressed, getting him dressed,

Getting the baby ready 

And getting out the door around seven. 

After dropping him off, 

I was already out and could do errands

Or take “me-time” with the baby in tow

But I would need to report back to the daycare

to get my son before five p.m.

It boxed my daily functions 

into a familiar time constraint.

But soon he comes home full time.

 

If I don’t want to lose my mind,

I will still need to rise early 

Get ready for my day

Get the kids ready

Eat a breakfast 

And then take them out of the house.

Maybe we go to a zoo and meet up with other moms

Or maybe we just walk to the pool

But we do... something.

Lunch, naps and even fun times should be 

around the same time every day.

I still need to plan meals, shop by a list,

Make time for chores

And plan activities.

 

As far as the anxiety, the disoriented feeling,

The dark cloud over my head 

telling me that I’m somehow in the wrong...

I’ll need support.

I’ll need to conscientiously seek out a support system

of other moms.

I’ll need to talk to someone about it.

I can’t live my life “on the run” from an invisible force

That’s in my own head.